I miss her

Having an emotional night tonight. I miss her so much!! It truly hurts! I miss all the wonderful memories and love we were suppose to share.
80% of Corinne's life she was non responsive. I would just sit there for hours at her bed side rubbig and studying her body so I would never forget it.
I would trace her hair line along her ear. I would do the same thing with Evan when he was a baby and I nursed him.
She loved to be on her belly, since she had no movement we would have to reposition her every few hours to prevent bed sores, her belly was her favorite and she always seemed so peaceful in that position.
I was in love with her perfect little lips and could not wait until the day all of the ventilator and oxygen lines were gone and could see them in all thier perfection and kiss them over and over again. (and believe me when the time came I did!)
I miss her bright eyes, even though it was a special treat when we saw them. And when I did I know she saw me too. At times I thought she may have Evan's eyes.
I miss her "cry face", Corinne only cried a few times her first few days of life and oh how I loved that sound. After that it was just a face she made with no sound.
She had the most beautiful soft skin, which I always found strange since her body was failing her in so many ways and she was always being poked and prodded.
She had my fingers and my sisters toes.
She had a little birth mark on her thigh that kind of looked like a bunny (whenever I visit Corinne'S marker there is always a bunny there that runs back into his tree when he sees me).
I miss her smell! I slept with her things for months not wanting to wash them. I sadly realized her smell is hospital soap and plastic tubes and equipment. I know it sounds weird I would even smell her equipment I got to keep afterwards in hopes of brining back more memories or fear of forgetting the smell.
However bitter sweet our time was with her, I miss every minute of it! I truly felt like I did get to know her. I didn't get to hold her a lot, cuddle with her ,feed her, or shower her with thousand of kisses I would of liked. But she was a fighter, silent in her pain, and hopefully feeling the peace from all the love of her friends, family, and heavenly father around her.
I feel so blessed to believe in our wonderful God and to know that Corinne is in the most amazing place in the world shining down on us!

Birthmark on right thigh.. I know its hard to see

"my Hand"

"my sisters feet"

Her beautiful skin

Look at those beautiful eyes and bottom lip you just want to kiss!

Her "cry face"

Her favorite position

Corinne Sophia Moll perfect in her God given way.. go where we can SHINE baby girl!!

I Remember

Over the last few weeks I have wanted to share stories that have crossed my mind about my pregnancy, life with Corinne and life after Corinne.....

-I remember being 6 months pregnant driving to Branson with a girlfriend, we were talking about her mom who was battling cancer. My friend was devastated; her mom was still in her 50's with so much more life to live.
I just remember saying to her that at 30 I didn't feel like I had anything tragic happen in my life- no loss of a loved one, no horrible accident, no hurdle to overcome. I said I feel like all people have the one dramatic event happen in their life. Maybe life changing for some. It was weird in some ways I even looked for this one event; to mold my life, change its path in some way, wake me up to this world and make me appreciate what I did have.
I didn't want my daughter’s death to be this one event for me. In some ways I still can't believe this all happened.

-The first few days of Corinne's life were an emotional roller coaster! Less than a day after Corinne was born my sister Rachel was calling to tell me she was getting a red eye from California into Little Rock. I remember thinking (I might have even said it??..) "No Rach don't do that it’s so expensive, Corinne and I could be home in a few days.." I am so glad my sister came! I couldn't have imagined those first few days without my sisters there. Thanks Rach for having the Mommy/Sister intuition to be there for us!!


-The weeks after Corinne passed I had the worst anxiety of my life! I was literally telling my sister to shot me with a tranquilizer gun. (The funny thing is she kind of took me seriously.. I think it was the doctor in her.. I guess people (celebrities??) actually do take tranquilizers recreationally).. Anyhow walking relieved this for me. I literally would walk in the morning with one friend and then walk in the evening with another.
I liked to walk at Corinne's cemetery with my friend Ronda. Ronda finds cemeteries soothing too. I remember when I was a teenager I use to drive through this cemetery down the street from our house because I thought it was so beautiful.. Any how I am loosing track.. So I liked to walk at Corinne's cemetery. One day Ronda and I were walking and "tombstone shopping" for ideas for Corinne's marker and we wandered through what I like to call the "high roller" area, with these massive monuments with stories of lost loved ones engraved on them. (So let me set up the cemetery, along the perimeters are a couple of subdivisions and many of their back yards butt up against the cemetery. So you commonly see families walking their dogs, kids on bikes, and groups of women taking walks through the cemetery). So this man saw Ronda and me reading markers, which then turned to us googling stories to find out how this young mother or entire family lost their life. This man started telling us stories of the people who had lost their lives and were buried there. Half way through our conversation he asked us if we were new to one of the surrounding subdivisions. I cleared my throat and told him "no, actually my daughter passed away a few weeks ago and is buried here" He immediately apologized and told us he hoped he wasn't being insensitive with his pervious stories. I in turned told him a definitive "NO, I love the thought that there is someone here that cares to know about the loss of peoples loved ones and that it brings me much peace and happiness to know that my daughters story and life might be shared with someone walking through this cemetery one day!"

What I Need

(a friend shared this with me tonight from another women's blog that lost a child, loved it and thought I would repost,it was like she spoke the words and feelings right out of my mouth!)

WHAT I NEED

I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears.
I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.
I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays.
I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it.
I need to talk endlessly and to let the phone ring.
I need an extra hug and respect for my space.
I need someone to ask how I’m doing and want to know the real answer.
I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births, mine did not turn out as I hoped.
I need a “handle with care” sticker for my heart, my emotions have been fragile since the day I said goodbye.
I need patience and reminders for my mind, part of it will always be somewhere else.
I need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister, daughter and wife I used to be.
But more than anything I need you…
your support, your friendship, your understanding…
a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.

Focusing on the Positive

So I know in my earlier February post I kind of went to "negative town" about how some of our friends and family haven't supported us, and although that is how I have felt at times, there has also been 100 times the amount of friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers, church community, doctors, nurses, and strangers reach out to us!!!
I feel by posting that I made all those wonderful people feel like they haven't been there for us. So this post is to let all those people know that the cards, emails, donations, food in our frig, commemorative jewelry, ornaments, flowers, balloons, tree’s (yes someone sent us a tree to plant in Corinne's memory!),keepsakes, books, financial support, people who traveled to support us during Corinne's life and after her death, gift cards, gifts for Evan, personal stories of their loss, and most importantly the simple texts and Facebook posts have made this whole process more bearable! It has made Corinne the blessing that she was to me and all of us. It’s made me realize how your friends and family do rally around you in crisis and that kindness and selflessness does still exist in this worldly life we live. So thank you!
I know that I haven't always given the proper thanks to everyone but those will always be part of the memories I have of Corinne and they will never be forgotten!!
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