I Remember

Over the last few weeks I have wanted to share stories that have crossed my mind about my pregnancy, life with Corinne and life after Corinne.....

-I remember being 6 months pregnant driving to Branson with a girlfriend, we were talking about her mom who was battling cancer. My friend was devastated; her mom was still in her 50's with so much more life to live.
I just remember saying to her that at 30 I didn't feel like I had anything tragic happen in my life- no loss of a loved one, no horrible accident, no hurdle to overcome. I said I feel like all people have the one dramatic event happen in their life. Maybe life changing for some. It was weird in some ways I even looked for this one event; to mold my life, change its path in some way, wake me up to this world and make me appreciate what I did have.
I didn't want my daughter’s death to be this one event for me. In some ways I still can't believe this all happened.

-The first few days of Corinne's life were an emotional roller coaster! Less than a day after Corinne was born my sister Rachel was calling to tell me she was getting a red eye from California into Little Rock. I remember thinking (I might have even said it??..) "No Rach don't do that it’s so expensive, Corinne and I could be home in a few days.." I am so glad my sister came! I couldn't have imagined those first few days without my sisters there. Thanks Rach for having the Mommy/Sister intuition to be there for us!!


-The weeks after Corinne passed I had the worst anxiety of my life! I was literally telling my sister to shot me with a tranquilizer gun. (The funny thing is she kind of took me seriously.. I think it was the doctor in her.. I guess people (celebrities??) actually do take tranquilizers recreationally).. Anyhow walking relieved this for me. I literally would walk in the morning with one friend and then walk in the evening with another.
I liked to walk at Corinne's cemetery with my friend Ronda. Ronda finds cemeteries soothing too. I remember when I was a teenager I use to drive through this cemetery down the street from our house because I thought it was so beautiful.. Any how I am loosing track.. So I liked to walk at Corinne's cemetery. One day Ronda and I were walking and "tombstone shopping" for ideas for Corinne's marker and we wandered through what I like to call the "high roller" area, with these massive monuments with stories of lost loved ones engraved on them. (So let me set up the cemetery, along the perimeters are a couple of subdivisions and many of their back yards butt up against the cemetery. So you commonly see families walking their dogs, kids on bikes, and groups of women taking walks through the cemetery). So this man saw Ronda and me reading markers, which then turned to us googling stories to find out how this young mother or entire family lost their life. This man started telling us stories of the people who had lost their lives and were buried there. Half way through our conversation he asked us if we were new to one of the surrounding subdivisions. I cleared my throat and told him "no, actually my daughter passed away a few weeks ago and is buried here" He immediately apologized and told us he hoped he wasn't being insensitive with his pervious stories. I in turned told him a definitive "NO, I love the thought that there is someone here that cares to know about the loss of peoples loved ones and that it brings me much peace and happiness to know that my daughters story and life might be shared with someone walking through this cemetery one day!"