Corinne Sophia was born on July 12th, 2011 at 1:27pm into the loving arms of her parents Emily and Ryan Moll at Mercy in Rogers, AR. Corinne immediately had medical complications and was helicoptered by the Angel One team to Arkansas Children’s Hospital in Little Rock. After several days of medical testing and amazing medical care Corinne was diagnosed with Zellweger’s Syndrome, a rare metabolic genetic disorder that affects normal brain development and leads to respiratory distress and in Corinne’s case heart failure. Corinne was back transported, again by the Angel One helicopter team, to Washington Regional Hospital in Fayetteville, AR so she could be loved by all of her friends, family, and big brother Evan. Corinne passed on August 10, 2011 at 9:16pm in the arms of her Parents.
Thank you for reading our blog.
Best way to read Corinne's story from the beginning is to go to the left and drop down July and start with "Weekend before Corinne's arrival"
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
80% of Corinne's life she was non responsive. I would just sit there for hours at her bed side rubbig and studying her body so I would never forget it.
I would trace her hair line along her ear. I would do the same thing with Evan when he was a baby and I nursed him.
She loved to be on her belly, since she had no movement we would have to reposition her every few hours to prevent bed sores, her belly was her favorite and she always seemed so peaceful in that position.
I was in love with her perfect little lips and could not wait until the day all of the ventilator and oxygen lines were gone and could see them in all thier perfection and kiss them over and over again. (and believe me when the time came I did!)
I miss her bright eyes, even though it was a special treat when we saw them. And when I did I know she saw me too. At times I thought she may have Evan's eyes.
I miss her "cry face", Corinne only cried a few times her first few days of life and oh how I loved that sound. After that it was just a face she made with no sound.
She had the most beautiful soft skin, which I always found strange since her body was failing her in so many ways and she was always being poked and prodded.
She had my fingers and my sisters toes.
She had a little birth mark on her thigh that kind of looked like a bunny (whenever I visit Corinne'S marker there is always a bunny there that runs back into his tree when he sees me).
I miss her smell! I slept with her things for months not wanting to wash them. I sadly realized her smell is hospital soap and plastic tubes and equipment. I know it sounds weird I would even smell her equipment I got to keep afterwards in hopes of brining back more memories or fear of forgetting the smell.
However bitter sweet our time was with her, I miss every minute of it! I truly felt like I did get to know her. I didn't get to hold her a lot, cuddle with her ,feed her, or shower her with thousand of kisses I would of liked. But she was a fighter, silent in her pain, and hopefully feeling the peace from all the love of her friends, family, and heavenly father around her.
I feel so blessed to believe in our wonderful God and to know that Corinne is in the most amazing place in the world shining down on us!
Birthmark on right thigh.. I know its hard to see
"my sisters feet"
Her beautiful skin
Look at those beautiful eyes and bottom lip you just want to kiss!
Her "cry face"
Her favorite position
Corinne Sophia Moll perfect in her God given way.. go where we can SHINE baby girl!!
Friday, March 16, 2012
-I remember being 6 months pregnant driving to Branson with a girlfriend, we were talking about her mom who was battling cancer. My friend was devastated; her mom was still in her 50's with so much more life to live.
I just remember saying to her that at 30 I didn't feel like I had anything tragic happen in my life- no loss of a loved one, no horrible accident, no hurdle to overcome. I said I feel like all people have the one dramatic event happen in their life. Maybe life changing for some. It was weird in some ways I even looked for this one event; to mold my life, change its path in some way, wake me up to this world and make me appreciate what I did have.
I didn't want my daughter’s death to be this one event for me. In some ways I still can't believe this all happened.
-The first few days of Corinne's life were an emotional roller coaster! Less than a day after Corinne was born my sister Rachel was calling to tell me she was getting a red eye from California into Little Rock. I remember thinking (I might have even said it??..) "No Rach don't do that it’s so expensive, Corinne and I could be home in a few days.." I am so glad my sister came! I couldn't have imagined those first few days without my sisters there. Thanks Rach for having the Mommy/Sister intuition to be there for us!!
-The weeks after Corinne passed I had the worst anxiety of my life! I was literally telling my sister to shot me with a tranquilizer gun. (The funny thing is she kind of took me seriously.. I think it was the doctor in her.. I guess people (celebrities??) actually do take tranquilizers recreationally).. Anyhow walking relieved this for me. I literally would walk in the morning with one friend and then walk in the evening with another.
I liked to walk at Corinne's cemetery with my friend Ronda. Ronda finds cemeteries soothing too. I remember when I was a teenager I use to drive through this cemetery down the street from our house because I thought it was so beautiful.. Any how I am loosing track.. So I liked to walk at Corinne's cemetery. One day Ronda and I were walking and "tombstone shopping" for ideas for Corinne's marker and we wandered through what I like to call the "high roller" area, with these massive monuments with stories of lost loved ones engraved on them. (So let me set up the cemetery, along the perimeters are a couple of subdivisions and many of their back yards butt up against the cemetery. So you commonly see families walking their dogs, kids on bikes, and groups of women taking walks through the cemetery). So this man saw Ronda and me reading markers, which then turned to us googling stories to find out how this young mother or entire family lost their life. This man started telling us stories of the people who had lost their lives and were buried there. Half way through our conversation he asked us if we were new to one of the surrounding subdivisions. I cleared my throat and told him "no, actually my daughter passed away a few weeks ago and is buried here" He immediately apologized and told us he hoped he wasn't being insensitive with his pervious stories. I in turned told him a definitive "NO, I love the thought that there is someone here that cares to know about the loss of peoples loved ones and that it brings me much peace and happiness to know that my daughters story and life might be shared with someone walking through this cemetery one day!"
Saturday, March 3, 2012
WHAT I NEED
I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears.
I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.
I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays.
I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it.
I need to talk endlessly and to let the phone ring.
I need an extra hug and respect for my space.
I need someone to ask how I’m doing and want to know the real answer.
I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births, mine did not turn out as I hoped.
I need a “handle with care” sticker for my heart, my emotions have been fragile since the day I said goodbye.
I need patience and reminders for my mind, part of it will always be somewhere else.
I need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister, daughter and wife I used to be.
But more than anything I need you…
your support, your friendship, your understanding…
a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
I feel by posting that I made all those wonderful people feel like they haven't been there for us. So this post is to let all those people know that the cards, emails, donations, food in our frig, commemorative jewelry, ornaments, flowers, balloons, tree’s (yes someone sent us a tree to plant in Corinne's memory!),keepsakes, books, financial support, people who traveled to support us during Corinne's life and after her death, gift cards, gifts for Evan, personal stories of their loss, and most importantly the simple texts and Facebook posts have made this whole process more bearable! It has made Corinne the blessing that she was to me and all of us. It’s made me realize how your friends and family do rally around you in crisis and that kindness and selflessness does still exist in this worldly life we live. So thank you!
I know that I haven't always given the proper thanks to everyone but those will always be part of the memories I have of Corinne and they will never be forgotten!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
This makes me so proud! And thankful!
I hope to keep this momentum going. I think there is an annual amount that can be donated in honor of a patient to keep them on the Donor Wall. It would make me so happy to know Corinne's name could mark the walls of Arkansas Children's hospital for years to come. So I hope to have fundraisers in the future for proceeds to go to ACH. So with that said if anyone is up to make donations in Corinne's memory we would be so appreciative! Every dollar counts!, there are no small contributions :)
The care we got at ACH was amazing and never once made me doubt we were getting the best care for Corinne possible. The NICU staff of doctors and nurses were amazing! Though the doctors personal skills may be lacking at times their medical brilliance was not, there are some pretty amazing doctors that work there and are making huge impacts in the lives of so many families. My sisters both work in the medical community and I always had a respect for them, but after going through 29days of hospital care I truly realized the impact the medical community makes on the lives of so many. It brings a whole new level or respect to me for the medical community thats for sure!!
Ryan and I have not made it back to ACH but hope to soon to see Corinne's name on the wall!!
Angel One Helicopter team arrives at Mercy to take Corinne to ACH (July 12th)
Pictures taken the day we left ACH to go to Washington Regional
My sweet amazing Corinne Sophia, I never understood how something so beautiful on the outside could be so broken on the inside. Love you baby girl!!!!!!!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Most days I wish I was with Corinne. I don't think of suicide I just think of the "what ifs"... What if that car came across the intersection and hit me, what if I was diagnosed with a cancer and only had x amount of time to live. I see no silver lining. I know God is with me but I feel alone and abandoned right now. Most people in my life don't know how to relate to me, most don't even reach out to me anymore. I know it’s not all them, I am different. It hurt when I returned to work and very few people said anything about Corinne. I know they know. But it’s awkward, so instead of making themselves feel uncomfortable to maybe make someone feel comfort they don't say anything at all. Unfortunately that’s the society we live in. I want to write a book or something and title it "My daughter Died And This Is The Shit I Should of Said" I feel like I have had to skirt around the death of my daughter to make everyone else more comfortable. Out of the 4 women that threw Corinne's baby shower for me 3 didn't attend Corinne's service (ones mother was dying of cancer and has been there for me more than imaginable so no hurt feelings there). The other two I really don't know why. I had what I thought was an extremely close friend just move out of town during this time in my life and I had to read about it on facebook. she has sent one text message since then. Please understand I am not saying these things to say these are bad people, but obviously the bustle of their lives have made them a little oblivious to the world around them
I hurt for my husband and how his friends and family have let him down. So many of his guy friends haven't even said an "I am sorry" “do you need to talk".. Nothing. I mean NOTHING! His own brother made Corinne's life and death about what was more convenient for his family. I know Ryan may not be a very good communicator but when your siblings daughter is dying you are there, no questions asked. During this process we always said that this would forever change our relationships with people. My sisters who I wasn't very close with growing up but have become closer with as we have started families over the last 4 years would of and did everything they could to help me through this process and our relationships will always be stronger because of it. My father who has always tried to be the best father; but a divorce and a rebellious daughter wasn't always conducive to that was here for me unconditionally. I will always have a greater respect and love for him because of that. And then there is my mother who on several occasions has said that the most impactful part of 2011 has been "her husband’s trip to Africa", "her work with a missionary", and "her husband’s car accident (which it was a miracle he survived)" But the fact that her daughter lost a child didn't make that list or even that she lost a grandchild didn't seem to really affect her either. Ryan's parents have been a great support, from the beginning they were here and said that they would be here for a week or a year whatever we needed.
We had friends putting money in our mailbox, food in our frig, mowing our grass, doing anything they could to help. Their support was amazing and as overwhelming as it was during the time their support helped me through this process.
I cry every day for Corinne.. Mostly in the car, lying next to Evan in bed while he sleeps, and on my knees in my bedroom praying to God for comfort.
I know I shouldn't post this because of all the people that I will offend. I wish I didn't care. Maybe one day I won't.. they didn't really seem to care too much for us.
Corinne would have been 7 months. Maybe crawling, eating table food, giggling at her big brother, putting everything in her mouth then dropping it and then me sanitizing it and the process would start over again, getting her first cold, getting into everything. We will never know. A part of my heart will never be the same.
This process has made me realize how precious life is and what’s truly important (family, friendship, life, unconditional support) and then it’s made me a cynic. (A celebrity death or failed marriage, who cares) No one seems to care that my daughter died. That thousands of children die a day, live in poverty, at the age of 8 know more about death and survival then most kids will in a life time, but because a celebrity that abused drugs more than half of her life and will forever change her daughter’s life because of it will be the "talk of the town" for the next two months. Or let’s not forget the celebrity that was accused of molestation but will go down in history as an icon. It scares me when people get more wrapped up in the life of a celebrity but have no compassion or support for their friend or someone in their own community.
I struggle with how to answer the question "how many kids do you have". I have reached out to mothers that have lost children and most of them say the accurate amount (not minus the one who is in Heaven) I asked one friend her opinion and her response to me was "well Emily you do only have one child" I always say 2 and then when they ask the follow up questions I either say the truth or skirt around it and say I have a daughter but focus more on Evan. I did this because I got so tired of the crickets that follow after I would say "my daughter died last year of a genetic disorder" I am not looking for this big emotional outburst from the person just a simple "I am sorry for your loss" the most comforting response I had from a new coworker that knew nothing of my story was "thank you for sharing that with me".
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
That morning Evan got dedicated at church (Fellowship)he was 6mos old
Vacationing with the Moll's 6 mos old
Sunday, January 15, 2012
On Januaray 12th we would of celebrated Corinne's 6 month birthday. I really don't have words to describe the day....
Evan and Corinne