I don't even know where to start. I want to be able to say positive things, but all I feel is hurt, disappointment, hopeless, and a physical pain that is indescribable. Someone told me 4 months is the hardest. I still feel like I am in that stage. I feel so empty without her here. I went back to work after being gone for 3 years, being a stay at home mom was my dream, but I ended up just walking around an empty house numb to what was missing. My daughter. I wouldn't say going back to work is "working for me" but I am trying to tell myself I need to do what’s best for me and my family right now.
Most days I wish I was with Corinne. I don't think of suicide I just think of the "what ifs"... What if that car came across the intersection and hit me, what if I was diagnosed with a cancer and only had x amount of time to live. I see no silver lining. I know God is with me but I feel alone and abandoned right now. Most people in my life don't know how to relate to me, most don't even reach out to me anymore. I know it’s not all them, I am different. It hurt when I returned to work and very few people said anything about Corinne. I know they know. But it’s awkward, so instead of making themselves feel uncomfortable to maybe make someone feel comfort they don't say anything at all. Unfortunately that’s the society we live in. I want to write a book or something and title it "My daughter Died And This Is The Shit I Should of Said" I feel like I have had to skirt around the death of my daughter to make everyone else more comfortable. Out of the 4 women that threw Corinne's baby shower for me 3 didn't attend Corinne's service (ones mother was dying of cancer and has been there for me more than imaginable so no hurt feelings there). The other two I really don't know why. I had what I thought was an extremely close friend just move out of town during this time in my life and I had to read about it on facebook. she has sent one text message since then. Please understand I am not saying these things to say these are bad people, but obviously the bustle of their lives have made them a little oblivious to the world around them
I hurt for my husband and how his friends and family have let him down. So many of his guy friends haven't even said an "I am sorry" “do you need to talk".. Nothing. I mean NOTHING! His own brother made Corinne's life and death about what was more convenient for his family. I know Ryan may not be a very good communicator but when your siblings daughter is dying you are there, no questions asked. During this process we always said that this would forever change our relationships with people. My sisters who I wasn't very close with growing up but have become closer with as we have started families over the last 4 years would of and did everything they could to help me through this process and our relationships will always be stronger because of it. My father who has always tried to be the best father; but a divorce and a rebellious daughter wasn't always conducive to that was here for me unconditionally. I will always have a greater respect and love for him because of that. And then there is my mother who on several occasions has said that the most impactful part of 2011 has been "her husband’s trip to Africa", "her work with a missionary", and "her husband’s car accident (which it was a miracle he survived)" But the fact that her daughter lost a child didn't make that list or even that she lost a grandchild didn't seem to really affect her either. Ryan's parents have been a great support, from the beginning they were here and said that they would be here for a week or a year whatever we needed.
We had friends putting money in our mailbox, food in our frig, mowing our grass, doing anything they could to help. Their support was amazing and as overwhelming as it was during the time their support helped me through this process.
I cry every day for Corinne.. Mostly in the car, lying next to Evan in bed while he sleeps, and on my knees in my bedroom praying to God for comfort.
I know I shouldn't post this because of all the people that I will offend. I wish I didn't care. Maybe one day I won't.. they didn't really seem to care too much for us.
Corinne would have been 7 months. Maybe crawling, eating table food, giggling at her big brother, putting everything in her mouth then dropping it and then me sanitizing it and the process would start over again, getting her first cold, getting into everything. We will never know. A part of my heart will never be the same.
This process has made me realize how precious life is and what’s truly important (family, friendship, life, unconditional support) and then it’s made me a cynic. (A celebrity death or failed marriage, who cares) No one seems to care that my daughter died. That thousands of children die a day, live in poverty, at the age of 8 know more about death and survival then most kids will in a life time, but because a celebrity that abused drugs more than half of her life and will forever change her daughter’s life because of it will be the "talk of the town" for the next two months. Or let’s not forget the celebrity that was accused of molestation but will go down in history as an icon. It scares me when people get more wrapped up in the life of a celebrity but have no compassion or support for their friend or someone in their own community.
I struggle with how to answer the question "how many kids do you have". I have reached out to mothers that have lost children and most of them say the accurate amount (not minus the one who is in Heaven) I asked one friend her opinion and her response to me was "well Emily you do only have one child" I always say 2 and then when they ask the follow up questions I either say the truth or skirt around it and say I have a daughter but focus more on Evan. I did this because I got so tired of the crickets that follow after I would say "my daughter died last year of a genetic disorder" I am not looking for this big emotional outburst from the person just a simple "I am sorry for your loss" the most comforting response I had from a new coworker that knew nothing of my story was "thank you for sharing that with me".
