Tonight has been a hard night for me. I knew it was going to be, but thought overall I would handle it better...not here writing this. A good friend of mine Sarah lost her mom (Susan Richard) to cancer on Friday. Susan had been fighting this aggressive cancer for almost a year with her friends, family, and always her daughter Sarah by her side. Her veiwing awas tonight and her funeral service tomorrow. There was a lot of talk about how amazing Susan was as a mother and grandmother and it made me reflect on my relationship with Corinne even though it was rather short.
I know its in Gods hands, he is in control, but I also know we have free will. I look back and wondered did I try/fight hard enough for Corinne? I am a realist and when I saw her medical charts I knew realistcially we were not looking at a good outcome. I wish I woulld of hoped for more!, prayed for more!, begged for more!! The idea of Corinne being non responsive in a wheel chair was really hard for me to wrap my mind around. Now I would do anything to have her in that capacity. Just to have her I would do anything! Whether it be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or a life time. I would do anything to have her here on earth with me. I know this was God's plan but was it because he saw that I was too weak to care for a child with special needs? As I always say "God only gives us as much as we could handle" I have always thought of my self as a strong women who knows how to keep her head up, back lash when needed, and zip it lock it when it most counts. I always said I could handle a child with special needs, but did God not see that in me? I don't blame him or struggle with our relationship at all. I become closer with him every day. I struggle with who I am and I how must continue on with my life. Because I think I will continue to break if I walk into another room and I am just known "as the women who lost her baby" or "I am the person no one cares to ask how we are doing because they are busy in their lives", or the most hurtful "don't say anything at all..because maybe they have forgotten about it". I know Corinne is in the most amazing place in the world and I look forward to the day I get to be with her again. But as a human I can't but help but miss not having her with me, grieving it daily on one level or another.
( I just studied James in my bible study group you would think I would of learned something, but I am just trying to speak my feelings not hurt anyone else's)Im sorry if this is too much for people as always I hesitate what to say so there is no judging or misunderstanding of my thoughts.
But I lost my baby tragically and it devastates me almost daily
I said I wasn't one of those mothers that curled up in a ball when my child died, but I am one of those mothers that cant fake it threw another day of people wanting to pretend Corinne wasn't born so they feel more comfortable. She was our daughter that I carried for 9 months, planned a future with but was only given 29 days full of hospitals, more then 50 doctors and nurses, wires, machines, leads, needles, test results. Corinne was never even a baby but a report. A thick 3 inch medical report that lays in her crib that I read every so often...
I love you Corinne Sophia Moll- My SunSHINE!
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